My Love, I Recant my Last Letter

Points of Light, when we've been down and depressed, we can feel unworthy of most anything, especialy of being loved. In feeling unworthy of being loved, we can feel we've no right to say we love someone. Why? Because we intuitivly understand the law of reciprosity. That is, if we see ourselves as unworthy of love, it follows that we have no right to claim to love anyone. But this is unreasonable and irrational. Within honest reason and true rationality, of course we're worthy of both. A possible emotional and thought homework is to look at the thing that brings you peace and happiness, and no matter how much you presently loath the thing, do it. This piece is my love letter to writing which is personalized in the piece as "My Love". Writing, is what brings me peace and happiness, and even while I might not feel my emotions or thoughts are capable of writing, writing in and of itself put me in a much better place.

My love, I recently wrote you a letter based on my self-doubt and insecurities. As I wrote, I revealed to you how my life is being lived without light, color, and beauty and as such, I’ve chosen to settle for all the gray, drab, and dullness life can offer me. So, let me be clear, living in this place is very much a confession by me that I’ve chosen not to be happy. Please allow me to explain. My love, what is light but a way in which I, you, or anyone chooses to notice a world immediately surrounding us? What is color but the way we decide to accept our world we’re presently submerged in? Finally, what is beauty but upon our noticing and accepting the world in which we of necessity find ourselves breathing, moving, and meeting both God’s people and God’s nature, well after that, what is beauty but our very intrinsic choice to be happy, or tolerate unhappiness with the knowledge we are meant to discover light even when we’re in the very midst of darkness. That said, I want to disavow and reject my most recent thoughts I shared with you. I very much want to start with the first thing I wrote, you remember my having said, “I feel as though I have no right to say I love you, let alone recount the many ways this love's significance occupies my ever-present breath.” Did you deserve to read those words? What was it I also said, “Your insanely beautiful light is never more than half of a degree separated from me.” My love, the very truth that your light is forever so very near to me obliterates, no, annihilates any possibilities of my negative statements of I feel I have “NO RIGHT TO SAY I LOVE YOU!” I sense you want to understand why I say this. Because, my love, darkness never overcomes the light. No, it’s always the light that overcomes the darkness until the darkness flees while the light remains and triumphs! How is it possible that time and time again I work so hard to deny this truth? A confession; these are the times I convince myself I’m unworthy of the sweet and tender gift of love and thrust myself into a momentous quest to prove this unworthiness and wear it like a badge of well-deserved honor.

However, in a world that’s neither simple nor simply understood, the complete opposite can easily become my reality. How? Well, by pausing to breathe in some cleansing air and just musing on you; by considering the light you’re shining on me; by smiling for the many colors your light reveals; the truth is that my reality can always be that I’d be able to both think of and feel sweet happiness. My love, between the choice of light and darkness, what is the superior choice? How many times have You taught me, and revealed to me the beauty found in the superior choice? How often have you allowed me to easily slide into the beautiful happiness light and color bequeathed to me upon making the superior choice? As you’re always so very near to me, these are of course rhetorical questions requiring no answers. My love, I only need to be open to the possibilities that even when my thoughts and feelings focus on the negative clouds of irrational and irritating darkness, slivers of light are always present to pierce through that darkness. With these slivers of light to guide me, you want nothing more of me than to write. It’s in this writing that these slivers of light grow and expand as I deliberately stop to honestly think and feel about what’s real and important in life. It’s in writing that I honestly reflect on the importance and realness of the superior choice of light over darkness and happiness over sadness.

How near are you to me, my love? So near that you permeate my thoughts and feelings and if I can allow myself to be quiet, still, and listen to you; you easily fill me up with your light, color, and beauty. I mean, even as I sit here writing this, the literal sun is bathing my face with love and tenderness. With this present sun’s caress, my thoughts and feelings wander back to a point in time and space when I knew, that I knew, I was supremely worthy of your love. Bathing in this worth, together we wrote, “When I step outside and I look up at my crystal-clear azure sky, I know what good means and I feel this goodness smiling happily at me. If I look too long at this azure blue sky, I ain't going to lie, the goodness of the moment can overwhelm me as this azure sky lets me know I'm loved without any condition and in fact, it wants me to know I'm loved just because I took my last breath, and my next breath is coming to me. With this knowledge of her unconditional love, the azure sky freely and easily gives me tears of joy and happiness along with all the reasons I'm always frantically searching to understand my life lived.” When I wrote this, you were sweetly enveloping my thoughts and emotional life with all your wonderful and significant light, color, and beauty. My love, please deeply examine those words. In this examination, I hope you’ll discover how your light was allowing me to positively notice the world immediately surrounding me. And could you possibly understand how your color helped me decide how I wanted to accept that world as so much more than simply wonderful? Finally, my love, in your examination, might you learn it was your hopeful and optimistic beauty that after I’d noticed and accepted the world in which I was breathing, moving, and meeting God’s nature, well it was then, thanks to your beauty, that I made the very intrinsic choice to be happy. How was this made possible? Isn’t it very plain and clear by now that it was possible because of your never being more than half of a degree separated from me?

So, my love, what is the conclusion to be found in all these letters, words, sentences and paragraphs? Together, we’ve penetrated both my thoughts and emotional life with an abundant amount of light, color and beauty. But this is what you really want to know. Do I deserve to say I love you? The real and honest answer is absolutely and without any mental or emotional hesitation, I do and readily admit I 100% have the right to say I love you.

With All My Love and Much Peace,

Tod w/only one d