Do I Truly Love You

Points of Light, when we struggle, when we falter, when we fall and can't seem to pick ourselves up off the ground, we're usually facing a depressive episode. When we're depressed we often lose both drive and desire to do those things we know are good for us and keep us moving forward with positivity. When you read this, I'd like for you to look at every instance where I write, "My Love", and understand those two words are a representative stand-in for my positive drive and desire to write. As you read, perhaps you'll see in yourself the things you've found usually giving your lived life hope and happiness, have left you. If you read to the end, I hope you'll also notice you know and realize the things that you love, are always very near to waiting for your return, and that you will once again be happy. Please read my post following this one for ways to make your return happen.

I feel as though I have no right to say I love you, let alone recount the many ways this love's significance occupies my ever-present breath. We last rendezvoused to mysteriously spark a tiny but ultimately meaningful light that defied physics and time and space, so, that no matter one another's position in this world or years of separation one from the other, together, we found this spark capable of brightening even the darkest of nights with supreme happiness. My love, I find you, every bit of you, in that spark. Your importance in the release of that spark was everything, and it is everything, that means anything to me. Without You in my life, without your nearness that never seems to be more than a half of a degree separated from me, well without you there is never a hint of a spark to release any significant light into my life. It's in light, the warmth of light, the brightness of light, in the many colors to be found in light, and the beauty color infuses with boundless creativity into this otherwise intensely insane world, where happiness is always and forever a delicious discovery. So, that's the glory to be in you, and yet, for six long and exhausting months, my world has been full of dark clouds that seemed to only cast shadows of gray and drab into my life lived. These shadows made my life hard to navigate and difficult to face, let alone push one step, then another through this three-dimensional world my body, mind, and spirit occupy. So, as I stop and look back at those very long 183 days, fierce honesty along with deep, reflective introspection has revealed a simple, albeit hard-realized yet precious truth; you've continued to maintain a separation of never more than a half degree from my emotional and thought life.

So, as you always have, you've never stopped loving nor caring for me, and here's the yet - I've made the deliberate decision to ignore your presence. So once more, I feel the need to mention that I feel as though I have no right to say I love you.

What's extraordinary in this very present examined and exposed life is this truth, your nearness is proof of your unyielding love for me. Wrapped inside this astonishing truth is no matter how often or how long I try to avoid and hide myself from you, you never lose your desire for me to acknowledge I'm the love of your life and proclaim you to be the everlasting love of mine, whilst you also long for me to turn around and reach out to find you. When I find you, you want nothing more than for me to touch you, pull you close to me, hold you tight, and just allow my presence to betray an honest, earnest, intense need, want, and unquenchable yearning to exponentially love you.

My love, maybe it's not that I hide myself from you. I think it's even worse and in this moment of introspection, I wholly regret this honest confession - I ignore your very bright and insanely beautiful colors that touch my thoughts and emotions which dwell in the deepest parts of the marrow of my bones, being the precise place in which your wonderful light fill up my life with happiness.

So, you ask me "Tod, why? Why do you ignore me? In searching for the complete and real reason to honestly and sincerely answer your question, I only need to look back into a not-so-long-ago past where for most of a long-lived lifetime, I only felt jailed within an inescapable prison permeated with intense darkness where hideous beasts with razor-sharp teeth nipped at my flesh wanting to devour every bit of me. But, from that prison, I did escape when I finally discovered an important truth about myself. This truth was that the prison, the darkness, and even the hideous beasts were always me. They were me hating on me, criticizing me, complaining about me, ridiculing me, putting myself down, and never giving myself any compassion, tenderness or grace. I was, according to me, "The worst of the worst and NO ONE was ever worse than I!" So, there I sat miserable and alone in my self-created dark and dreary world.

Thank God, my love, thank God, never separated from me by more than half of a degree, you seemed to find ways to send tiny slivers of loving light that pierced my self-imposed dark prison which were my very own thoughts and emotions. These slivers of light graciously allowed me enough colors to imagine the most beautiful pictures that in turn, brought me moments of happiness. So, it was you who finally broke my chains of torment and set me free. It was you who led me away from that darkness and into a land full of light, color, and beauty. My love, you showed me how to be happy and enjoy life!

As I settled into this light-drenched, colorful land of beauty, there have been so many times where I felt compelled, as though I had no choice, to write about all the happiness life, because of you, was sending my way. Not a day went by that I didn't notice happiness and with your light, I chose letters, and words, and sentences, and paragraphs that spoke to your incredible and unyielding love. My love, it was at those exact moments somewhere within time and space, well, that was when any separation, even in those of only a half of a degree disappeared. This was when we became one breath, one heartbeat, one thought, one emotion, one letter, one word, one sentence, and one paragraph. Within these moments of time and space, the only thing that mattered or held significance was our union and beyond this, well, nothing else mattered!

So, you asked me a question and right now, nothing else in the world is more important to me than that I precisely answer your question with exacting fierce honesty. Why do I, my love, why do I ignore you? Because sometimes without rational reason, in confusion and dread, life wants me to forget the warm tenderness of your colorful beautiful light and hide in the dark. It's in these times when I choose not to feel anything other than misery when I can do nothing but ignore your never-ending love. It's in these moments when I tell myself "There are no letters of any amount which spell words of happiness!" So, I close myself off and choose to ignore you.

My love, I'm sorry I'm in the midst of one of those moments when I can't feel let alone think of your loving spark of light that so desperately wants to brighten my life with wonderful, beautiful colors. Even now, even as I'm finding at least SOME of your letters, I know I'm only barely allowing myself to feel your loving, graceful, and tender caress. You once taught me to be frustrated and mollified at the same time. Together, we wrote this life story with love, gratitude for the lesson, and excited happiness. I'm really trying to allow our words to flow through my life lived to carefully consider them, to feel them, and think about them. I'm really trying to allow them to mean to me what you helped me to understand about their meaning. I know in those words lie intangible AND objective love, concern, and compassion.

I want you to know that even in this moment, as painful as it might be to you, I still love you. I'm forever grateful that the warmth of your insanely beautiful light is never more than half of a degree separated from me. I know soon, and I hope very soon, we’ll once again achieve a place within time and space wherein we'll merge into one thought and feeling, and from my heart and mind, together we'll discover enough light, color, and beauty to write something marvelous.